When We Rise

	When We Rise (@WhenWeRiseABC)
3/2/17, 10:52 PM 💔💔💔💔💔 #WhenWeRise pic.twitter.com/2yYkNpQTi7

申す… I tell you…

This event is almost done, and it's stirred up all kinds of things in me. I'd probably not have noticed the series if not for a Hulu ad one day last week, and I'd looked forward to watching it.

Except, I feel terrible. It brings up all these feelings of resentment and discontent for me, and it's not even because of the treatment of GLBT people in the past or today. It's partly because of not feeling like a part of anything really, and partly because I don't make myself a part of anything.

I'm gay. I've known that "officially" for 18 years now. I've experienced things I still remember and wonder about, and there are things others have experienced that teeter between me not electing to do these things and me not in the path to experiencing them.

I've never been in a relationship. I may never be. The way I've come to be gets in the way of that some, and it's partly because I don't seem to fit the mould gay people around here seem to want.

Example 1

 

A toned white guy with model looks and abs.

Example 2

 

A black guy with black identity markers. I'm generally too "Oreo".

Example 3

 

A Latino of virtually any sort.

Example 4

 

Your stereotypical hot, confident Asian guy.

People tell me I look better without glasses. I can see that, but I haven't liked wearing contacts for a while now, and I'm not so sure about eye surgery. I cut my own hair, so I don't have the "professionally cut" look. I'm nerdy (but apparently the really hot thing is being into video games, which I'm not). Essentially, there are a lot of things I elect to do that strike against me.

Then there are guys who come after me that I don't particularly fancy, but that's another story.

Seeing just a snippet of these people's lives, which include falling in love, is heartbreaking. What is it these people have that I don't, or what do they do that I haven't? Yes, it's a made-for-television, based-on-a-true-story telecast with æsthetically pleasing people. I'm not seeing the failures in between, not in the way I'd gripe about.

How many eggs does one have to crack to get a cake?

People say it's getting out there and meeting people. It's about taking risks in exposing yourself to others.

I suppose I feel terrible because I can't really work myself up to that. Maybe ever. I'm slowly becoming fine with that, but seeing shows like this don't make it easier.