Translation Woes

The Best Translation Ever.

http://www.tickld.com/funny/t/841598

This is why one should beware translation requests. That's been a peeve of mine, sometimes. If I want to know what something says and I don't know the language, I seek out the tools to try translating it, not go asking what something says.

Did this person learn nothing in elementary school?!

Soviet Jokes

#1: Yuri Brezhnev is at the Moscow Olympic Games and is giving a speech. He looks out and starts: "Oooooohhhhhh… Oooooohhhhhh…
Oooooohhhhhh… Oooooohhhhhh… Oooooohhhhhh…" His assistant walks up to him and says in his ear, "Sir, those are the Olympic Rings. You don't read those."

#2: A grandfather sitting down with his grandson, talking about Soviet history. His grandson asks "Grandpa was the Chernobyl accident really all that bad?" The grandfather responds, patting his grandson on his head, "No, son, it was not. We are all still here, aren't we?" The grandson then asks, "Grandpa, were there any bad effects of Chernobyl at all?" The grandfather says, "No, son, there were none at all." He then reaches out to pat his grandson on his second head.

#3: An aide runs to Vladimir Putin, exclaiming, "The polls are in and unfortunately Gennady Zyuganov of the Communist Party is up at 75 percent of the vote." Putin's eyes widen at this news. The aide realizes this and says, "Oh, don't worry, sir. You're beating him. You have *76* percent."

Rasta & His Crocus Bag

A Rasta goes to the bank with a big crocus bag on his shoulder and places it on the counter in front of the Teller. The Teller opens the bag slowly and finds it is packed full with marijuana.

Shocked, the Teller asks, "What's this for?".

The Rastaman replies, "I man here to open ah joint account".

Rasta on His Way to Heaven

Rasta dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates and is met by St. Peter himself, but the gates are closed as Ras approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, You seem to be in the wrong place. I don't seem to have you on my list, but as there is such a crowd behind you and it would cause such a disruption I will give you an entrance examination. If you pass it I will let you in. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
'Fair enough,' says the dread. 'I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was .'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, but the test is only three questions. Here they are:

'First: What two days of the week begin with the letter "T"?'
'That one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'That is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify. I will give you credit for that answer.

'Second: How many seconds are there in a year? ', asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Ras, 'but I think about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? How in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
'Well it got to be twelve', he replied. 'January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…'
'Hold it', interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind… But I will have to give you credit for that one, too.'

'Third: What is God's first name?'
'Well, sure', he replied with a big grin,
'it's Andy.'
'Andy?!', exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all. Whenever I went to church I would hear them sing "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, man, run!!!'

[and just in case you'd never heard the song before, or want some context: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQMnqmqKtQo&feature=youtube_gdata]